That is how I would describe how I am feeling about my training.
After 2 days off, I really wanted Saturday's 6 hour ride to go well. I won't say it went bad, but...
I got started a bit later than expected. I wanted to get in an hour before I met up with Karen, Sandy and Lindsey, knowing I had to go a longer amount of time. I only made it about 30 minutes.
We got started and about 4 miles in, Karen got a flat. It was good practice for everyone, but I wound up slicing my finger pretty bad. But, we got back on our way and I did my best to keep up. Which is where my problems started. I was working very hard on the uphills to try and keep someone insight. And once I lost them, I started down a very dark mental place. I would twist and turn around corners, see a lot of open road, and didn't see anyone. I just didn't understand how I was that far behind everyone. After awhile, I put it together that I missed a left turn and was way off the cue sheet. Just as I figured that out, Karen called. Bryan gave me directions to get back on track, but of course, I went the wrong way again.
Finally, after multiple stops to check the GPS on my phone and help from nice people in cars, I got back on track. Luckily, I ran into Catherine, who I rode with a few weeks back. I was very happy to find her and we finally made our way to the Birthday Bike Ride Rest Stop of Awesomeness or BBRRSoA. It was not an easy ride, was in the sun, and I lost all confidence in my riding ability.
It was difficult because this was Karen's birthday celebration and I didn't want to be a downer, so when people asked how the ride was going, I just tried to change the subject. No one wants to continue hearing me say how much of a crappy rider I am. It's really hard being the slowest person. All the time. The one everyone waits for. So I did the best I could to put on a smile, eat a piece of bacon and have a mini Snickers, and smile.
For the way back, we were talked into going Ty's route - and I cursed Ty's name many MANY times on the way back. Especially when I saw everyone pedal away when I got stuck at a light. I was happy when they were all waiting at a turn. And felt bad everyone was waiting at the turn.
So I spent some time thinking about what was wrong and I realized that I am frustrated. Frustrated that I don't feel like I am getting better at hills. Frustrated that everyone always has to wait for me. Frustrated that I work so hard to get up hills and my average speed is slower each week. Just frustrated.
So I spent the next portion of the ride thinking about my options. That was nice and distracting from the heat and once we hit the last stop for more water, I filled up and took off on my own. It was a road I felt comfortable on and enjoyed myself again. Then I realized, I was over 5 hours (and 2 miles less than last week) but felt 100 times better. My cardio felt really good and I didn't want to immediately get off the bike. So, I kept going, passed my car, and rode the last 30 minutes, with the hill at Old Anglers on MacArthur to finish the ride in 5 hours 56 minutes and 7 seconds. The Garmin died after 5 hours and 33 minutes, but my bike computer told me the total time. And I finished up with 15 minutes of a walk with a few jogs when I could.
So overall, I was even slower this week than last, but I felt much better cardio-wise. I realized that I am frustrated with my hill climbing and will talk to Coach about how to handle this for the next 2 months. And all rest stops should have bacon.